Trusting My Gut…It’s Time to Move On
16 Apr 2012 5 Comments
in Choice, Sex Addiction, Trust
A very big part of my personal journey has been re-learning to trust in myself and know when my intuition (Divine Wisdom) is speaking to me. Many times SA causes me to feel as if I can no longer trust myself because I ignored what I knew deep down to be the truth for so long. My Ego tells me to stay, that I am obligated and it is necessary for my healing and well-being. My Ego tells me that I need to be here. My Ego tells me that if I go, I will never heal and will feel lost and all alone. I have been getting whispers for about a month now, and I admit that I have been talking myself out of listening to them. I have been telling my gut that it is wrong and that there is just no way I am done already!
So I ask, what do you do when your mind says yes and you have many logical reasons why you should listen, but your gut says no, it’s time to go even if you can’t clearly see why at this moment?
Well, the other me would keep ignoring my inner self and listen to my head instead of my heart. But I am no longer the other me so I choose differently now. I started this blog six months ago as a way to heal by sharing and reaching out to others. Something inside me just woke up one morning and said YES! This is what you need! And I did…at that moment in time. I do not really understand why, but that moment has passed. It has been so great connecting with all of you and getting to know you on this journey. But something in me has shifted or changed. Instead of feeling peace and healing from posting, I now feel anxious, stuck, and disconnected. I know within myself that it has absolutely nothing to do with any of you, but EVERYTHING to do with me. And although I do not understand it, I just have this knowing that it’s time to move on. It has been such a pleasure. Keep posting. Keep healing. Keep opening to self-love 
.
Many Blessings~Steady
What are your Suggestions for Healing???
10 Apr 2012 4 Comments
I am aware that 12 step and other support groups are available and can be extremely beneficial, however, they may not be the right “fit” for everyone. We all have our own paths to take. I am curious as to what you all are doing during these very difficult times? What are some things that are helpful in your healing? How do you cope? I usually take the spiritual approach and practice yoga, prayer, meditation, and spiritual reading. However, I allow myself to be open to at least hear about various healing strategies. Lexie suggested once that I try one new thing a week and as a result I have found a new dance studio that I ABSOLUTELY love and have been taking hip hop classes once a week for over a month now! Please take some time to share, healthy things of course , what you have done in the past, what you are currently doing, or even something you have heard but not yet tried. We are all on this unique and similar journey so let’s share our strength and hope with one another!!! Who knows…it may be something simple that truly changes someones life.
Peace & Love
What Would it Take?
30 Mar 2012 6 Comments
in Expectations, Feelings, Sex Addiction
It is my practice to be quite open, yet respectful of our diverse experiences on this journey, as I make posts on this blog. I avoid making general assumptions and putting us all in the same box as I fully understand our unique situations. However, I feel it very safe to assume that WE ALL, through discovering SA, have found ourselves in situations beyond our wildest nightmares. That WE ALL have now or in the past experienced feelings from anger, rage, shame, guilt, depression, uneasiness, terror, disbelief..I mean you all get the picture, the list goes on and on. And I also find it safe to generalize that WE ALL have felt the need to blame ourselves, question our own beauty, our self-worth, and our judgement (or lack thereof), search through our partner’s things, question to no end…and of course this list goes on and on as well. With all this considered I’d say we have every right to be whoever we are at any given moment…Good, Bad, or Ugly. But it crossed my mind lately, so I thought I’d just put it out there…What exactly would it take? I know all of our situations are different and what we want from them is different, I am just curious how you all feel.
Just imagine that you could wave a magic wand and POOF! your partner was everything you would want him/her to be right now. What does that look like for you? What would it take for you to say okay, I forgive you and yes we can try again? I mean, what would they have to do/not do? What would they have to say? How would they need to change? What would you expect from them in the relationship? If right now you could look them in the face and say this is EXACTLY what I need from you, how would that conversation go?
Basically I would like to know…Is there anything your partner could do to change whatever negative, painful, hurt feelings are currently in your heart? And please feel free to share if your partner has already made such changes and how things are working out.
Peace & Love
Lie Detectors…What are your Thoughts?
17 Mar 2012 18 Comments
in Control, Sex Addiction, Trust
I remember as a young girl sitting around with friends dishing about relationships and saying, “If I ever felt the need to make my boyfriend take a lie detector test, I would just leave the relationship cause the trust would be completely gone at that point.” Now that I am reading “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” and some professionals actually require it of their SA clients, I am reminded of my younger self and I am also quite intrigued. It honestly surprised me when I read it and I just wanted some of your ideas and feedback. From my understanding, they are not 100% accurate and more importantly…do they truly provide peace, relief, or security for us partners? It is not my intention to speak down on anyone who has tried this, I am honestly quite interested in both perspectives. I believe for me, however, a lie detector would simply drive me insane. Many of us have been with our partners for decades, while others only a few years, and some only a few months. As much as we may hate to admit it, we all have put up with and tried our various ways to deal with dishonesty and lies. I just think for me I have to decide when enough is enough. It is quite possible that the results of the test could be heart breaking, but that does not mean I would be ready to leave. I mean, think about it…there are things that have happened in all our relationships, that have been right up front in our faces, that could have been grounds for ending it, but we didn’t…we stayed for whatever reason. And even if we have now ended the relationship, I am willing to guess it was not because of one incident. I just feel that a lie detector would only be beneficial if I were 100% certain I wanted out, and even then I am not so sure… How do you all feel?
SA is HIS Problem…Why am I here?
26 Feb 2012 14 Comments
in Sex Addiction, Uncategorized
This is a question I asked myself quite often following D Day and when first going to a group meeting. How did I get here? or Why am I being punished for HIS problems? A big part of my healing is practicing standing in truth and being honest with myself about myself. Ironically, my healing deepened once I stopped blaming him for my life. I fully understand, have experienced, and continue to experience the pain, shock, heartache, devastation, trauma, and every other emotion of this terrible disease. However, once I literally and figuratively took a long hard look in the mirror, I was able to accept that I was in a place of tremendous growth, learning, and change in my life. If I would never ask for SA, never welcome it with open arms, never wish for a broken home and broken dreams, yet I am here in spite of that… I need to examine ME not HIM. Am I to blame…of course not. Is it my fault…NO! Can I fix, cure, heal, or change SA..not a chance. But I most definitely can heal and change myself. As much as I may want to point the finger at my partner for ALL our problems, this would be a waste of time.
As I reflect on many past relationships (including friendships and colleagues) I have always, always felt as if it was my job to fix, save, or take care of other people. I have always, always felt the need to make others “more” or “better” in life. I have always, always held core beliefs that men were all liars, cheaters, and would hurt and abandon me. Until this past year, I had no idea what core beliefs even were and how they have effected and created the experiences of my life and continue to do so today. If I always look to be the caretaker and the “fixer,” how could I not attract someone so ill? If my core beliefs are that men are liars and cheaters, how could I not end up in love with someone who would lie and cheat? So maybe I wasn’t abused or neglected as a child, maybe it was simply my need to take care of everybody else. Whatever the reason, I am where I am and I have a choice to either face myself and heal ME…or continue on this same path relationship after relationship…same movie, same script, different cast. What I realize in my healing is that I have been involved with various addicts throughout my life and this is the first time I have had the willingness and the awareness and the strength to really examine my position and my own choices.
This realization is not at all about self blame, being a victim, finding fault, or excusing my partner. This is about doing one of the most difficult things, I believe, that the partner of an SA must do. And that is to stop wondering “why am I here when he has the problem,”and realizing that SA is the HUGE ton of bricks that was thrown on my head so that I could stop, look, listen, and change. It is my belief that the Universe (Life) is always, always speaking to me. When I ignore the whispers, I get hit by rocks. When I ignore the rocks, I get hit by a ton of bricks. Yes, SA is his, but the responsibility for my life and my health is MINE!
Please feel free to comment, share, question, or whatever you may feel
PEACE & LOVE!
Affirmation(Living Your Best Life)
17 Feb 2012 7 Comments
Many times I know our thoughts, feelings, worth, and inner beliefs are determined by other people’s treatment, beliefs, and feelings about who we are and what we deserve and should be doing…but why? Why do we so often allow others to determine our happiness and worth? If this person approves and is in a place a happiness and peace with me, than I approve and feel happiness and peace for myself. This is very backwards thinking on my part. What I am learning on this path, is that it matters NOT ONE BIT what anyone else feels if I do not determine my own happiness and worth in spite of them. Much easier said than done sometimes…trust me I know. But the more I focus on self love and approval rather than seeking it from others, the easier it becomes with each passing week. Yes, I continue to fall and get back up again; that is the only way to true growth for me. Here lately, however, when I find myself consumed with being loved by someone else or being happy only if “he” is happy with me, I go straight to my mirror and repeat:
“You can live life, or you can LOVE LIVING LIFE…The choice is YOURS!”
I currently have this affirmation posted around my house and even in my car. I remind myself throughout the day that ultimately, this life is mine and it is up to me to seek and be in a state of happiness, no matter how hard it may seem at the moment. I now choose to love living my life by determining my own happiness and peace even when others are attempting to convince me otherwise with their words, thoughts, and actions.
Give it a try! Maybe it will bring you some peace on this day .You are NOT alone!!!
Do I Expect Perfection from my SA?
12 Feb 2012 11 Comments
in Expectations, Sex Addiction
When I am able to focus on myself and create inner peace and happiness regardless of what my partner is doing, I know that I am healthy and well. However, this proves much easier said than done in this process of healing. Lately I’ve been asking myself…What is it that I truly want? I have a clear picture of what a healthy, loving, committed relationship looks, feels, sounds, and acts like. But what exactly does that mean? Do I expect a partner who is 100% honest in EVERYTHING he says and does? More importantly…when I stand in truth, am I 100% honest in EVERYTHING I do? Do I expect a partner who never makes a mistake and is ALWAYS making the “right” choices? Is this something I can honestly say that I do? Sometimes I feel that the devastation and trauma that I’ve experienced allows me to now want and expect perfection. All day. Everyday. PERIOD. But is this even realistic? I know the magnitude of hurt that has been inflicted as a result of SA, but am I now expecting a partner who is inhuman? I am not suggesting in any way that I accept or down play this addiction, (sleeping around and online chat-sites will never be acceptable to me…they are definite deal breakers), what I am speaking to, however, is the acceptance and realization of his personal growth and healing…not PERFECTION. I myself am not perfect. Is it possible to be with a sex addict and accept that they may never be the picture perfect mate we envisioned?
A relationship and CSAT wrote an article saying, “would you rather have a partner who never cheats in any way but who remains otherwise essentially unchanged as a human being and life partner, or one who shows appreciable growth in many important ways but who may never-the-less experience an unfortunate backslide?“
What are your thoughts on this perspective? Do you see ways in which you may want perfection from your partner? Could you be with your SA if they improved and made progress but still had downfalls as well? Does this view seem like giving up or giving in? Do you totally disagree with this view and feel it is letting SA’s off the hook?
Please feel free to commnet, share, question, give advice or whatever you may feel
Peace & Love!
